Afterblog

There won’t be enough space on Glenn Beck’s bulletin board tonight.

I wonder if there is a cerebral defect around which the “patriotic” portion of his brain has pushed all other gray matter aside with red, white, and blue scar tissue. That part of his brain must be quivering right now as I write this. He must be hallucinating that a second holocaust has begun, and a Gestapo force made up of illegal immigrants is roaming the streets and rounding up white middle Americans.  Glenn Beck must be masturbating tearfully, with a tea-stained Pledge of Allegiance he made in his third grade history class clenched in his fist, while listening to vinyl Slim Whitman LPs played at quarter tempo. As he’s masturbating his fantasies must be running rampant with visions of a post apocalyptic America where every man must defend himself against a government which has begun to collect biological tax.

“It all changed when Brother Sam, started taking back what he said had belonged to him all along….our freedom, our dignity, our vital organs.”

Glenn is leading a group of ragtag Christian mercenaries across the hellscape of post national healthcare Missouri with Kirk Cameron and the Baldwin brother who went batshit insane after “The Usual Suspects.” Supposedly, out west there is a man that the Bolshies captured and are forcing into an arranged homosexual marriage against his will. This is standard practice for the arm of Brother Sam which evolved from what we ordinary present day Americans know as the democratic party, but this time the victim is no standard fare. Legend tells of a man who’s lineage can be traced back to both Ronald Reagen and Paul Harvey.

“…and those filthy Bolshie scumbags are going to make him a part of some middle Eastern prince’s gay harem.”

Lock and load Glenn! Ride on and save the uncrowned king of conservative America! No renegade lesbian hybrid subcompact gang can stop you and your righteous band of patriotic teabaggers!

At a rest stop outside of Tuscaloosa the trap is sprung. Cybernetic hippies, sacrificing their God-given individuality to be constantly tethered to a communal hive through the use of bio-electric mechanics, swarm the 9/12 Hummer and take Batshit Baldwin prisoner. His brother Alec, through his connections in the ministry of propaganda, has taken out multiple hits on the conservative road warriors, including contracting the death of his own brother. Using residuals he still collects from 30 Rock, which is still an incredibly big hit despite the total dissolution of NBC, Alec uses his considerable wealth and power to control a veritable army of hippie androids. Though Glenn and crew fight valiantly, there is no escaping the fact that Biodome Baldwin will not be travelling further with them. His sacrifice, along with his vast catalog of contributions to the world of Christian-centered cinema, will never be forgotten.
As Glenn and his broken and bedraggled group escape the last of Baldwin’s hired goons and roll at terminal velocity into the smoldering remains of east Los Angeles, real life Glenn Beck prematurely ejaculates. He is ripped back through the time rift where he sits sweaty and red faced, huffing and puffing alone in his multi-level ranch style gated complex. Tears streak his face. He knows this is the day that Armageddon began. The birth of Brother Sam is heralded by the passing of legislation which gave everyone health benefits. This is the day Brother Sam began handling student loans and thus controlled the minds of the youth. This is the day America forgot Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett, and the commies took Congress. He sobs quietly, forever doomed to live and relive infinitely the hell of the time loop that Obama and Nancy Pellosi created on March 21st, 2010.

“God help us all…God help us all…